Falling

Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! No this isn’t a life alert commercial nor is it a Cerebral Palsy joke (I have CP so I feel that I can joke about it.) Falling and CP really isn’t s joke anyway, it’s all too realistic, a couple weeks ago I somehow somersaulted off the toilet…maybe I should get life alert.

This post is about falling, but more so in the seasonal sense, meaning autumn. There are so many great things about fall! Scarves, boots, hot chocolate with mini mallows, graham cracker coffee, the color in the leaves, and when it’s too chilly to be outside it’s the best to binge on new TV shows! There’s two I’m quite intrigued by this season. Limitless, based off the movie starring Bradley Cooper who also appears in the series. The show stars Brian Finch (Jake Dorman) a 28 year old band burnout (who’s either a redhead or strawberry blonde, not sure and it really bugs) he’s pretty much useless until he takes NZT. The translucent pill gives him access to every part of his brain at once and because of his remarkable intelligence and resourcefulness while on NZT he was hired by the FBI.

The second show I’m into right now is called Blindspot. It also involves the FBI. They work with a women covered in tattoos. Jaimie Alexander plays Jane Doe who’s blanketed from neck to feet in ink and has no recollection of getting any tattoos. She knows nothing about her own past. Her first memory is waking up in Times Square after being left there inside a bag.

I suppose when you’re a writer you draw inspiration from anywhere. It’s in the nature of a wordsmith to connect with the human experience, and when your Hemingway novel isn’t doing it for you, you find yourself connecting with the new fall dramas. To explain my current season in short, I feel like I’m falling and there’s nothing to grab onto. It may be a skydive and there’s no need to worry because I’ve had a parachute on my back the whole time and all I have to do is pull the cord, or I’ve somehow slipped off a cliff and there’s nothing but pavement waiting to meet me.

I relate to Jane Doe in Blindspot, she can’t remember who she was before, all she knows is who she is now. I can remember the old me from seasons past but I just can’t connect to that girl anymore. I wish I had a map of tattoos giving me clues as to where I’m supposed to go, what I’m supposed to do, who I should be with but I don’t, I’m a blank page.

I wish I had some NZT like Brian from Limitless before I’m 28 and burnout. I wish I could access 100% of my brain at once and know exactly what to do and how to do it, but I don’t. I don’t have a neuro enhancer that allows unrivaled clarity. I just have coffee.

Falling is unstable, scary, and unpredictable. Everything is blurry. Time is twisted. Falling usually results in injury. The only kind of falling I want to be doing is falling in love. At 22 I wish I knew what to do or who to be. What I truly wish is that I knew how to trust me. What’s interesting about Limitless, is that whether or not Brian Finch is on NZT he’s still Brian Finch. NZT just brings out the best of him. In Blindspot she may only know herself as Jane Doe but her instincts are still there. She doesn’t know where she learned to shoot though she nothing but sharp. She has no idea how she knows certain languages but she’s fluent. Jane Doe can’t recall being in any fights but she never looses one. What matters most is still within her.

I may not have help like NZT, I may not have clues in the form of tattoos but I still have me, even if I’m a new me, I’m still me. I’ll grow as I go, God will tell me what I need to know. I’m falling and I’m scared but maybe instability is what I need to see clearly. I may not know for sure which career to choose or what’s my next move, but I have a few dreams spelled out in goals and until I reach them I’ll enjoy what I have while I have it. The friends, the family, the classes, the cooking, the writing, my beautiful dog and my lovely coffee. So what if I’m falling? There’s a good chance I’ll land on my feet.