Take 143

I like trouble. Love it, actually. Probably for the very simple reason that I’m supposed to stay away from it. Wrong things have seemed so right since Adam and Eve. More than the trouble though, I love helping others out of it. Back when I was involved in an addictions ministry for teens, I had the realization that every few years I end up reinventing myself. Maybe that’s just how life goes and everyone does this, and me only being alive for two dimes and four pennies, just isn’t enough change to grasp the amount of change we all go through. Whatever the case may be, it’s clear to me that change is the only constant. Once again, that time has come for me to change things, to become someone different yet again. Truth be told, I’ve felt the prodding to move forward for about a year now, it just takes me awhile to get up and go. What was I holding onto? Relationships. Mostly friendships. Both new ones and old ones, ones that had depth and ones that were went about as deep as a puddle. Friendships I wanted to grow rightly, and ones I wanted to fix badly. My history will tell you I have a tendency to hold a little too tightly to the wrong things and people for too long, which is why I believe I’ve wound up where I am now, again. It has been my time to move on, just as it was nearly two years ago when I put my fist through a picture frame and tore up my knuckles. That right there is an excellent visual as far as my dealing for letting go of what I love, or what I thought I loved. I’m not saying it’s right act on anger in an impish manner, but it is what I’ve done. It could be because of my rebel heart, stubborn mind or Italian nature, whatever the reason, the fact is that I am a passionate woman and not knowing where or how to channel that intensity can lead to destruction. It can also lead to reconstruction. I’ve done both. I’ve brought that energy to the bottle and I’ve also brought it to the weight room. Though I’d love to further discuss the beast in me that is caged by fragile and frail bars, that’s a topic for a different post.

Yes, I have a hard time letting go but as time goes on, I’m getting much better at it, which is why I wanted to write this post. This moving forward, onward and upward, let’s try this again, post. It’s what I have personally, officially and finally decided to do. I thought the point in my life was to foster the relationships I had prayed for, ones that God had brought me to after I was seeking Him during heartbreak. I thought that was how I was meant to show my gratitude, to give back, to embrace new people and do life with them, that was my intention and it is what I did, for a while anyway. Then things started to feel empty. The camaraderie that drew me in evaporated and the vibes of support and strength had disappeared. I don’t blame anyone for this. It could be nothing more than we all grow differently and it was time for me to grow elsewhere. Nevertheless, no one wants to be in a place where love is absent. I did bring up my concerns and for a minute there, it seemed like all would be worked out, but in the end it was time for me to leave and so I did. It was a tough choice, walking away from a group and a cause I had a lot of compassion for, but I knew I had to. I let go and then I left. Moving on and letting go are not synonymous, being in a different place doesn’t automatically put the past behind you, not for me, for me it has to be a conscious act of relinquishing whatever or whoever it is I’m holding onto, and once I do that I know I’m moving forward. Getting my mind made up is the hardest part but once I reach a resolve, I have no problem not looking back. I may have left some people but what I’ve learned so far is that they weren’t my people. Not everyone loves like me, not everyone holds loyalty in high esteem and what I feel now rather than getting upset at what other’s motives may or may not be, is that it’s okay. They weren’t my people and that’s okay, for a minute they were and that was great, maybe I wanted a decade but a minute was all I needed. I let go of some close friends too, which was hard but honestly, holding on was harder. I’ve gotten to a place of brutal honesty with myself and I’ve been able to see the truth. These people that were once friends or confidants or even family, they’ve moved on. They’ve been doing things for themselves long before I wanted to fix my relationships with them. I believe they do love me, just not enough. Trying to keep someone a priority while you’ve been a choice to them, for who knows how long, is exhausting. It’s also sad and desperate and not something a woman like me does. So I let them go, too. I didn’t want to, believe me. For the longest time I swore to myself these people that are jumping across my mind as I write this, I believed they were my ride or dies, my family that I chose for myself. My sang ou pas de sang, ma famille a choisi, the ones I would do life with, the ones I never truly needed but absolutely wanted, I believed I’d always have them but they chose differently and I don’t want anybody who doesn’t want me. Perhaps I am being dramatic and I should relax but you know what? Everybody knows you make time for what you want. Of course, you can settle on c’est la vie and who knows, maybe I will one day, but right now I’m acutely aware that there are reasons and there are excuses. I will be respectful of the reasons but I will not stand for the excuses. So rather than wait for the odds to swing in my favor, I’m just going to let it be. I’m going to live for me. I am going to visit Paris because I want to and I am going to put a lock on the bridge and throw away the key. After that, I’ll probably sip coffee at La Closerie De Lilas for no other reason than to have a drink for Hemingway.

 For the record, I wish things were different. I wish I could’ve done more of life with the people I thought would stick around. I wish second chances had worked out, and that communication happened much earlier, but it didn’t. I saw a lot of simple fixes for the relationships I had but putting in the effort was up to more than just me. No, it’s not easy but often times, the right decision is not. Having to let go of those I have history with does not necessarily make me happy but I am content. Before I was pulling a Gatsby and trying to repeat the past but that left me burned by the hot end of a cigarette every time. That being said, this is still the beginning of my new beginning, and there is still a little va te faire foute infused with some of my newly severed ties but as with anything that is grieved, acceptance will come soon and finally I feel that I am well on my way there. What’s different about now versus the last time I reinvented myself is that it’s entirely my choice. My previous reinventions of self happened because I lost someone and I couldn’t make sense of the puzzle that is my life with so many pieces missing. I had no choice but to create a new picture. Which is not at all a bad thing considering I how much I despise puzzles. Seriously, I’d rather staple my hand to a wall than piece together some incredibly irritating two-dimensional image. The way I feel I feel about puzzles is how most people feel halfway through a game of Monopoly, the best solution seems to be flip the board upside down and bail.

This time it’s different. This time, thank the Lord, I haven’t been left behind. Unlike ever before, I’ve chosen to take my power back while I still can rather than having to chase the best of me after I gave it to someone and let them run away with it. This time I am changing the picture, my picture, until it is exactly the image I want to see.

Getting my mind made up is the hardest part but once I reach a resolve, I have no problem not looking back.-Genevieve Rose

For once I owe myself the love I’ve been starving for. I owe it to me to love me. Why wait until somebody else does? If I love me right here, right now I don’t have wait like a teen staring at her phone in angst and agony for some halfhearted, affirming messages that give a short burst of worth and value. I can dance in my underwear now. I can finish my degree now. I can do my bucket list now. I can start my tattoo sleeve now. I can visit the Johnny Cash museum now. I can continue working to save money for my lofty European travel goals now. I can create more paintings and make photo collages out of fire now. I can finish my Chaplaincy now and write my second book now. Now is the time that I have the privilege to ask myself, what am I doing for me? Now that I don’t have to answer to those around me, or wage my decisions against other’s opinions, I get to decide what’s best. Now that I’ve consciously chosen to be free, what am I going to do for me?