Full of It

Emotional Focus

I watched this movie awhile ago that wasn’t that good so I won’t list the name but in it was a very great line that went something like this; if you can take the focus you can take whatever you want. Lately I’ve been off balance, no that is not a Cerebral Palsy joke. My lack of balance lately pertains to my perspective or more specifically, my focus. Admittedly, I do give myself a hard time and I am very self-critical. While that can be a good motivator, sometimes this point of view is damning.

I’ve been raking myself over the coals about relationships, the romantic kind. Recently, I was stuck on this carousel of thought about being single especially since it’s getting cold outside. Is it just me or is there something about the winter that makes you more inclined to snuggle up to someone? It’s not wrong to want things of course but there is danger in wanting something too much, to the point where it’s all you can think about. If something steals your focus chances are you’re going to make some dumb decisions. I could feel myself wanting to and almost willingly repeat some recent mistakes. Instead of hurting someone else and myself all over again, I tried my best to refrain and not force things out of my own will. Recusing myself was for the best, but I wasn’t doing it in the right heart so the result was some pretty deep negativity in my own mind. It’s pretty close to crazy that I would let my status steal my focus again when I’ve already gone around this frustrating, sad, self-pitying mountain. I have learned this lesson. I have even blogged about it. I think I even wrote a part one and part two. I’m well aware of the liberty I have to work on myself. It may sound cheesy but loving yourself is a full-time job and the more freedom you have the easier it is to do. I’m very invested in the project that is ‘me.’ Yet here I was, lonely and about to make the same mistakes.

If I had no conviction, no morality, no integrity I’m positive I would never write a thing like this but as a woman of Christ who strives to be like Jesus I know better than to be controlled by my desires. I know better than to shift my focus so easily. I know that to live like Christ is to die to self. In the words of Johnny Cash “being a Christian ain’t for sissies.” It is a tightrope walk and by that I mean, if my focus shifts anywhere but the cross that is right in front of me, I will stumble. I have stumbled before, I know what a long fall it is and I know how bad it hurts to hit the ground. Even so, my singleness had me so bummed out that I was stumbling again. I was so caught up in how I feel about things and the plans that I’ve made that I failed to consider the fact that God already knows it all. He hears me. He loves me. He sees me. He’s with me. God is not deaf and He is much more patient than I am.

Who God Is

When you are walking on a tightrope it’s not about what is on your left side or your right side, what is beneath you or what is above you. It is about staying in balance and keeping your focus. For someone like me who chooses faith over fear, the balance comes from knowing God’s character. Having unanswered prayers, going through something that you can’t seem to get rescued from does not mean that God doesn’t care or that He’s angry. It’s easy to think these things or worse when life gets hard, which is why it’s so important to know who you’re praying too. Do I really believe that God doesn’t care? What does scripture say? Is Christ angry with me? What does the word say? In order to offset these lies I needed some truth. 

Do I Trust Him?

What I learned-again-is that it’s not about me. It’s not about my circumstances. I learned once again that I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was focusing on burdens not blessings. I was lamenting instead of loving. I was going on tirades over my troubles when I should’ve been practicing an attitude of gratitude. I re-learned Romans 8:28–39. I was convicted over 1 John 4:8. I found comfort in Hebrews 13:8. I trusted in 2 Peter 3:9. I remembered 1 John 1:5. I felt at ease with Psalm 30:5. I laughed with relief at Isaiah 40:28. I shifted my focus back to the cross. I remembered my God, my King, my deliver, my refuge, my Savior, my Dad. Reading just a handful of verses on the character of Christ and I felt fixed. 

My current love life is a black hole and you know what? That’s okay. I don’t say that to be negative I’m just stating a fact. I did not say there is no hope, there is always hope. There may be nothing going on at moment but that could change any second. So what if I never fall in love. So what if I never get to compare friendships to romance and figure out if there really is a ceiling to one of them. Real love is Christ and I have that love. What’s more is that it’s not the only love I’ve ever had. My life is full of love. I am full of it. I have the love of family, real genuine support from my mom and dad who are still together after all this time. I have the love of a brother who I’m so proud is in my bloodline. I have the love of my friends. So many of whom have improved my heart so very much that I could never say thank you enough. I have the love of a dog which might be my favorite kind. It’s a love absent from harsh  judgment, it’s unconditional, and guaranteed faithful, a lot like God. My Johnny Cash, my squid, my left hand man. Since I’ve never had a serious romantic kind of love that’s probably why I want it. Don’t we always want what we can’t have? I’m sure there’s a term for that. What’s even crazier is that when I do find myself on the altar, I’ll just be wanting something else so I might as well get content now.

In life, there’s the people you want to be better than, the people you want to be better for; and the people you want to be better with.-Genevieve Rose

In my life, it’s the godly people, the one who make an honest effort to act like Christ that I want to be better with. Recently, one of those gems shared this eerily appropriate video on singleness with me, it explains the actual purpose behind being single. Before I watched it I don’t think I believed there really was one. It made me so happy I cried. Every female should watch it. God bless the lovely lady who had the wisdom and took the time to make it. I watched the entire video and this is what I gleaned. Judge me if you want but these are my struggles. We don’t get anywhere unless we begin from a place of honesty.

Idolize/idealize men/relationships✔️
Fear of abandonment/purposefully self-destructive✔️
Not exactly whole, would cut someone else on my broken pieces✔️
Keeping busy while single, not valuing the season. Waiting for my knight in shining whatever✔️

There is a lot for me to do in this season right now. I have been ignoring and/or avoiding when I should be listening to that still small voice. There is a lot that goes into the ‘me’ project. I will begin by pressing in to all things that have to do with Him. Starting with the verses below.

Scriptures listed above (ESV)

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.-1 John 4:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.-Hebrews 13:8

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.-2 Peter 3:9

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.-1 John 1:5

For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.-Psalm 30:5

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.-Isaiah 40:28