With Love

Sometimes I miss you

more than I could ever

possibly justify and the only thing

worse than enduring this

late night suffering,

in silence,

would be to let you know.

Still, it happens sometimes,

those feels sneak up on me.

The way my muscles will tire after a long day of

working hard and

suddenly, I need rest.

My body warms, chest to finger tips and I am ready

for sleep.

It’s usually then, that sometimes,

I’ll miss you.

I miss you is not a constant for me.

Months can go by and I won’t feel

that type of longing in the slightest.

For me,

when it comes to ‘I miss you.’

I think of the missing piece.

It’s not a feeling, so much as it is a

memory.

When I’m driving home in the cold

through the snow.

I’m stopped in the street and

I remember your voice.

Words you said to me or

something I learned from you and

for a few seconds I smile.

I really do because I feel like I get to

live that again.

It’s not so much I miss you,

as you are missing from me.

I understand why

the French say it that way.

I don’t want to say,

“wish you were here.”

I’d rather demand to know,

“why are you not here?”

I don’t miss you.

You are missing from me.

You are the missing piece.

I miss you and you’re missing.

Then I realize, you are not here

with me because

you’re not meant to be and

if you were, it would not be

the same.

It would not be the same laughter

with the same jokes.

We would not be making

the same mistakes. I know.

I cannot ever truly put it

on repeat,

the words you said to me,

the things I learned from you.

Only sometimes, in my mind’s eye,

can I imagine again.

I am sure you’ve lived moments like this

one thousand times

with several

different people but

I haven’t. Not really, not like this.

I had you. That was it.

It mattered to me.

Maybe it mattered to you too.

When I’m driving at night

through the snow, I know

I can keep myself warm.

I have heat.

There was a time though, when

it was nicer than sitting beside a fire

on a bitter night to have you,

next to me, not doing anything,

just being there.

Warming my heart the way flames

warm my skin.

Sometimes, I miss you before I sleep

but then I remember, you are not

on my team.

I want to do this again and then

I remember, you are

not on my team.

I want to ask you

how you have been, even though,

I know you are fine.

Then I remember, you are

not on my team.

I want to love you better and

live with you longer and then

I remember, you are

not on my team.

Feelings of bliss that I miss,

they fade so fast.

I love you and then I remember,

you are my past.

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