Restless

Rest lis

adjective

1. characterized by or showing an inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.

2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart.

3. never at rest; perpetually agitated or in motion: the restless sea.

4. without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night.

5. unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons: a restless crowd.

Inability to remain at rest, uneasy or unquiet, mind or heart. Perpetually agitated. The waves of the sea. That’s me. A restless woman, in the mind and in the heart. I would not recommend it. It’s difficult not so much to find peace but it is near impossible to remain peaceful. Mindless Peace was created with the notion of achieving that euphoric level of peace, a dream I’m still dreaming. It all feels peaceful until I wake up.

My life feels like a long, narrow hallway lined with white door after white door. I feel as though I’m beginning to shrink as I walk past the tall, pallid entrances, one after the other, on my right and on my left. Door after door on both sides of me. I can barely hear my feet. The sound of my steps swallowed by the floor beneath. This is not my house. I don’t know this place. I’ve simply wound up here and none of these doors will open. I turn each knob, getting more aggressive with every attempt, the metal handle twists fully like an owl turning its head, right up to the breaking point, but the door stays closed. I can only go forward, I can’t go back. The hallway won’t let me retrace my steps. Once I try a door and it does not open, it sort of disappears into a fog and I try the next one and the next one and the next one. Nothing, I try the door on the left, nothing. The door on the right, nothing. Why am I here? Where am I going? Why do the knobs turn but the doors refuse to open? I bang my fists against the alabaster wood and yell for someone to open up. “Let me in!” I can’t stay here. I can’t stand here until my last day in this endless hallway. I bang the doors, yelling, yelling, yelling. My cries only met with silence. Muscles hot with agitation, lungs out of air. I take a seat on the floor to recover, back against the wall, eyes locked on yet another taunting entry. I slam my boot into it. The door shoves back but the kick is not enough. I sit and stare. Why am I here?

That is what life feels like to me, wandering a hall I never wanted to be in, encountering door after door that will not open. They almost open. They seem like they will. There is movement. Why would the handles turn if the door is locked? If it’s locked, there should be no movement, no almost, no potential. Locked is locked. There is movement though, enough to give me hope. Someone must be on the other side keeping me from entering. Maybe they’re all real fake doors, I don’t know.

Whatever the case, I get nowhere and so I remain restless. What should the restless do with seemingly much more life to live and no reprieve from challenges not asked for? Ride out the storm. Be strong anyway. Stay anchored. Hallelujah anyhow. This world may not give me anything but it is still my choice what it takes. Doors might be held shut but I’m holding onto my sanity. When I don’t know where to go, I have to go back to what I know.

A mere five bible verses on the character of God

1) “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”-Genesis.-1:1

2) “For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.”-2 Samuel 22:32-34

3) “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light. In him there is no darkness at all.”-1 John 1:5

4) “As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.”-Psalm 18:30

5) “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to come to repentance.”-2 Peter 3:9

There are many more verses where that came from, those are just a few, a reminder for me and maybe, for you too. That is who I follow whether I like it or not. Right now I do not like it and I still follow. The anonymity and obscurity that I face will likely not be my biggest challenge in fact, as crazy-making as this feels, this involuntary confinement may be the easiest challenge I will ever face. Maybe I should try harder to appreciate the struggle or realize that banging on door after door and not being heard, much less let in, is the easy part of my life. Seasonal frustration is not the true difficulty, it is the test. This is the development process. This is the beginning. It will get difficult. It will get very difficult and I need to get ready.

This world may not give me anything but it is still my choice what it takes.-Genevieve Rose

I haven’t lived an average life in any capacity. Not a single average thing has worked out for me. Why then, would my path to get to where I want to be happen averagely? It won’t. I’m aware of that, even as my hands show bruise after bruise from the knocks that have turned to pounds and the yelling that has turned to crying. Emily Dickinson, an enigma, poet, and badass wrote hundreds of poems that were not even discovered until after she died. Poems written on scraps of paper as if the force of words hit her like rushing water and she didn’t have time to grab suitable paper for writing, she just knew that she must write, despite the blind eyes around her. I will do the same. I will knock on the doors anyway. I will return to what I know. I will walk with God even if I have to handcuff myself to do so because in God I trust. I will find a door that opens even if I have to throw not just a shoulder but my entire body into it. Bloody, bold, and broken I will enter that room. The harder it is now the more satisfying it will be then. When I finally do get the door open, it will be a sight to see.

For the readers of Mindless Peace involved in your own fight, I hope you keep knocking, I pray you keep leaning in and I know that if your focus is on the cross before the crossroads, you will get to where you need to go. Keep knocking. Break the door if you must. Do not give up. I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. I will. I will. I will.